Transitioning to Adulthood

“Moving out of the Nest”

C3 Fellowship

1) Conflicting Cultural Values – Asian versus Western

Most Asian Americans experience conflict between their parents as they move from childhood to adolescence and then to adulthood. The conflicts can be attributed to differences in cultural values.

J.W. Connor refers to several differences between “typical” Asian cultural values and Western cultural values.

Asian Cultural Values	Western Cultural Values
Parent / Family Centered	Individual Centered
Family identity (family name comes first)	Individual identity
Achievement of goals set by parents	Achievement of individual goals
Obligation to family	Trained to be individuals
Duty to family	Personal rights
Responsible for the family	Responsible for self
Motivation based on obligation	Motivation based on feelings
Submission to family authority	Dislikes for rules and control
Accepts rules and propriety	Questions authority

2) Conflict with Christian World View

Asian American Christians not only experience conflict with Asian cultural values because of their Western upbringing, but they experience conflict because of their Christian beliefs.

Examples:

A mother threatens suicide (a form of manipulation) because the son wants to pursue a career in full time Christian ministry rather than attend medical school. What should the son do – pursue God’s calling or his parents’ dream?

A college student wants to spend the summer on a short-term mission in East Asia. The parents take issue with this – money, time away from studying for the MCAT’s, time away from home. What should the college student do?

A Christian lawyer wants to marry this devoted Chinese Christian girl. The girl does not meet the expectations of the parents (i.e. lack of education). The parents have another individual in mind; although this girl has fine qualities, she is not a Christian. The parents have already conferred with this girl’s parents and want to arrange their meeting. What should this person do? Pursue the Christian girl and possibly bring dishonor to the family or obey the parents and disregard God’s commandment of “not being unequally yoked’?

As Christians working through these tough questions and issues, we need to remember that many of our Asian parents have a paradigm that is based on their cultural grid. We need to first understand their grid and their basis of their grid and compare that to biblical teaching.

Asian Worldview	Christian Worldview
Children are the property of the parents.	Children are the property of God. Parents are only stewards.
Honor of parents / family is of most importance (filial piety)	Honor of God is of most importance.
Strong work ethic with pursuit of financial security in mind.	Strong work ethic with pursuit of God’s will in mind.
Self worth based on achievement, social status, acceptance from family.	Self worth based on the fact that God loves us. God’s ultimate demonstration of his love is the sacrifice of His Son (Romans 5:8)
Asian Worldview (cont.)	Christian Worldview (cont.)
Self-reliance	Dependency on God
Saving face (often denial of the truth)	Honest assessment of oneself (admits mistakes, apologizes, seeks forgiveness)
Manipulation using shame & guilt	Free will
Justification by works	Justification by faith
Measuring stick is based on comparison to others and their successes.	Measuring stick is based on God’s endowment of gifts & talents and how we have been faithful in using those gifts.
Avoid conflict at all cost.	Conflict can actually strengthen relationships. It can be a source of growth & maturity.
Tends to be closed to society at large – keeps within the community.	Called to reach out to the “lost” – to all society regardless of race, ethnic origin, economic status, etc.

3) Biblical Basis for Honoring Father & Mother

Before we can reconcile the Christian worldview from the Asian worldview, we first need to understand what the Bible teaches on the honoring & respecting our parents.

a. Commandments to Honor Parents

There are a number of scriptural references where God commands us to honor and respect our parents.

i. Exodus 20:12

- One of the 10 commandments given by Moses.

- The first commandment as related to “loving others”. The first four commandments pertain to our relationship with our Creator.

- One of the only commandments with a promise attached (live long in the land)

ii. Deut. 5:16

- Moses reiterates the 10 commandments.

- Promise reiterated again: “Live long and it may go well with you in the land.”

iii. Leviticus 19:1-3

- “Be holy because the Lord is holy.”

- Holiness encompasses respecting mother & father.

iv. Ephesians 6:1-2

- Paul confirms in the NT the necessity of honoring father & mother

- Paul also reiterates the promise of long life and prosperity for those who follow the commandment.

b. Dishonoring Parents

There are also a number of scriptural references speaking against those who dishonor their parents.

i. Deut. 27:16

- Moses says, “Curses is the man who dishonors his father or his mother.”

ii. Deut 21: 18-21

- OT law issues severe punishment (stoning to death) for those children who are in complete rebellion against their parents.

- Principle here is to “purge the evil” from the people.

iii. Proverbs 15:20

- “Wise son brings joy to his father; but a foolish man despises his mother.”

In summary, there is strong biblical support that we need to honor and respect our parents. God has given them authority over their children. Dishonoring our parents is in essence a form of rebellion towards God.

4) Role of Parents

How do we honor our father & mother? Before we delve on this question, we first need to understand the role of our parents?

God has given us parents in order to provide for our physical & emotional needs; to instruct, correct, and discipline us; and to teach us God’s statutes and commandments (be a role model).

Providing – 1 Timothy 5:3-8

Instruction – Proverbs 1:8-9

Teaching God’s Statute – Deut. 6:4-8

The role of the parents is not, however, to exasperate the children (Eph. 6:4). Parents should not mistake the commandment of “honoring father and mother” as a license to manipulate or control their children. Children are a heritage (gift) of the Lord (Psalm 127:3); they are God’s children, not parents’ property. Parents need to view their children as people, not as possessions or future social security.

Undoubtedly, parents fail us because they are sinful and don’t always share the godly perspective noted above. Even Christian parents fail despite their commitment and faith to God. We need to understand this and forgive our parents when they wrong us just like Christ forgives us (Matthew 6:14-15).

5) Transitioning to Adulthood

Does the parent’s role change as we reach adulthood?

No where in scripture is there any indication that once an individual turns 18, the parents abdicate their responsibilities for support. On the hand, there is no scripture to support the view that parents have the authority to dictate their will on their adult children.

One of the few scripture reference addressing this issue is found in Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”. Clearly, this passage describes the separation of children from their parents when the children become married. God calls the man to leave his father and mother in order to begin a new nucleus family. I believe that this is not only God’s mandate, but it is actually healthy for couples to move out of their parent’s household in order for them to become financially independent, to establish their own identify, and to become more dependent on each other and God. In nature, birds push their young ones out of the nest for exactly the same reason – to become independent. This is God’s design as individuals grow and mature.

Does this still apply in modern times given that individuals marry much later in life or not marry at all? Does a 30 year-old single professional still need to be under his/her parent’s authority even though he/she is financially and socially independent.

My view is the principle of separation still holds. As we grow from our teen years to adulthood, our parents’ role to is to help us through this transition. Our parents need to be preparing us for the day that we will be on our own – either married or unmarried. Clearly, each person is different and the time frame for this separation depends on the individual’s maturity level.

Parents need to be careful in not trying to hold on to their children. There is a natural tendency for this. For over 18 years, parents have invested their entire lives in caring for their children. To let them go can be a traumatic experience. However, as the bible indicates, there is a time to let them go (i.e. Jacob leaving Canaan to escape from his brother’s Esau’s wrath, David leaving his father to serve for King Saul).

6) Guidelines In Honoring Father & Mother

Despite the separation, adult children still need to honor and respect one’s parents. This is clearly God’s mandate and commandment. Although I am no longer financially dependent on my parents, I still look to them for wisdom and consultation especially on difficult issues. My parents have many more years of experience and can provide invaluable insights on tough problems.

Nevertheless, there is often a blur between the biblical model of honor and respect and the Asian model of filial piety (unswerving loyalty). Many Asian parents’ often agree with the biblical mandate of “honor and respect”; in fact, they love to remind us of this. However, there is clear distinction of the biblical view from the Asian view of honor and respect.

a) God First

Filial honor is important. However, our love for our parents can never outweigh our love for God. In Matthew 10:37, Jesus says, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me”. Our first love is for God. Anything less is considered idolatry.

In Mark 12:29-31, Jesus reiterates this point – Love God is the GREATEST COMMANDMENT, Love others which includes our parents is the SECOND COMMANDMENT.

The Asian view on this is clearly opposed to the idea that God’s love is supreme. Filial piety demands that children have absolute devotion to their parents, which is the foundation of ancestral worship.

b) Conflict

In most instances, obedience to our parents is in line with obedience to God (that’s why parents agree with the biblical mandate). However, there are times when the two are in conflict. This is often where “the fireworks” begin.

The Bible is clear on this point. As we noted earlier, our devotion to God is supreme. We need to obey God first as indicated in Mark 12:29-31, man second.

Moreover, God’s law supersedes man’s law. When asked not to preach the gospel, the Apostle John and Peter’s response was, “We would rather obey God than man.” There are several other examples in the Bible, which point this out (i.e. Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s not bowing to Nebuchadnezzar).

The Christian worldview is that conflict spurs growth and maturity and deepens our faith in God. By not conforming to the world (Romans 12:2), we are taking our stand with God and exercising our faith in Him to protect and to provide. Conflict can be viewed as good.

On the other hand, the prevalent Asian worldview on conflict is to avoid it at all costs. Individuals succumb to the societal/parental pressure and conform to their expectations.

c) Wrong Response to Conflict

Over the years, I have observed various responses to conflict by Asian Americans. Here are some examples.

As I noted earlier, the first response is often avoidance. Because of the fear of conflict and the possible repercussions, many choose to succumb to parental pressure. I would say that the majority of Asian Americans fall into this category. It’s amazing how many discontented Asian American physicians I have met over the years; they went to medicine because their parents simply “forced them” into it. And now they are miserable.

Another response is rebellion. Here are the so-called “bold and courageous” ones who are willing to stand up to their parents. Unfortunately, these individuals go to the extreme and completely disregard anything positive that their parents may say or do.

Finally, the last response is denial. These individuals have a warped perspective and claim that there is no conflict. Over time, many of these individuals often fall into deep depression because they do not address the deep pains and scars inflicted by their love ones.

All three of these responses fail in that each of them exclude God from the equation. In other words, any attempt to address conflict using human wisdom and effort will ultimately fail.

d) Right Response to Conflict

So as Christians, how do we properly respond? Here are some sound guidelines:

i. Does what our parents ask us to do conflict with any of God’s commandments? Clearly, if our parents were to ask us to murder, lie, and cheat, that would be against God’s character. We need to be steadfast and obey God rather than man in this case.

ii. Is our decision or action stemming from our true submission to God or rebellion towards our parents? Here we need to examine our true motives and determine whether our decision to go against our parents is truly an act of obedience rather than rebellion. Often, we can deceive ourselves in believing that it is God’s will for us to do “such and such”; when in reality, our decision is a disguise for rebellion stemming from our anger towards them.

iii. What is the true motive of our action or decision? As related to the previous point, we need to ask ourselves the question, “What is our true motive?” As it says in Jeremiah 17:9 “the heart is more deceitful than all and is desperately wicked”. We can fool ourselves in thinking that our motives our pure. What is the root issue behind our action or decision? Are we succumbing to parental pressure because we have issue with our self-esteem? Review the items listed between the Asian worldview and Christian worldview and compare that with your motives.

iv. Does our action or decision bring honor or dishonor to God? Many decisions are not as “clear cut” in that there is no clear biblical mandate. For example, should I attend medical school or not? Either answer can be right and wrong. The question that we need to ask ourselves is whether our action will bring glory to Him or dishonor. If we were to attend medical school for the sole purpose of “pleasing our parents”, this could be viewed as wrong because our love is misplaced. However, if our purpose to attend medical school is to serve God as a physician, that would be viewed positively.

v. Have we sought the Lord in prayer and in humility? Prayer is the key in seeking God’s will for our life. As the scripture says, “Trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your path straight.” (Proverbs 3: 5-6). God will indeed direct our path. In addition, we also need to come to Him in humility and with the desire to be obedient. “Has the Lord as much delight in burn offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice.” (1 Samuel 16:22).

vi. Is the issue negotiable or non-negotiable? Taking out the garbage should not be a major issue with our parents. We don’t want make a “mountain out of a mole hill”. However, issues concerning our career endeavors or marriage partners are things we need to take more seriously. Remember to pick your battles wisely.

vii. How about the timing? Sometimes our parents’ disagreement with us is God’s means of telling us to wait. One of the fruit of the Spirit is patience. We need to learn to wait on the Lord. His timing is always perfect. We can often miss out on God’s best when we fail to wait.

viii. Who pays the bill? Although there is no sound biblical base to this, my philosophy has always been that whoever pays the bill has the most say. For example, if we live at home and our parents continue to provide financial support, we need to respect the rules of the house. On the other hand, if we are living on our own or are providing support to our parents (i.e. paying rent), we can exercise a lot more freedom.